Maybe we weren't meant for this love

This has been a rough week. I was sick Sunday and Monday, got a phone call Tuesday morning from my mom saying that my dad was in the hospital, cancelled work for Wednesday, stayed at the hospital with my mom, sister, and niece till 1 in the morning, found out a close family friend will likely be losing his fight with cancer much sooner than expected, had to pull Dog out of day care because he was getting hurt by another dog, and got chewed out via email by an aunt I barely know. With all that's been going on, the highlight of the week so far has actually been something I've been dreading for 2 months....returning Redneck's odds and ends to his mom's house.

Since I broke up with him I've been finding little things here and there of his, some of them important to him (his dog tags, his grandfather's knife) and some that he would probably never notice were gone (a t-shirt, corn cob holders). I have been putting off bringing the things to his mom till I found the (hideous) cake plate that had been her mother's, because, really, who wants to do something like that twice? I finally found the cake plate and had planned on bringing everything over on Monday, when the week just started going downhill rather quickly. Throughout everything though, going over to her house stuck in the back of my mind, taunting me. Should I call first? What if Redneck was there? What if his daughter was there? What if no one was there....could I just leave the stuff on the front porch so I wouldn't have to come back?....I was a smidge terrified/preoccupied with it.

So this morning I got up, put on a dress, sexy sandals, and did my hair (sorta...). I visited dad in the hospital and told him I was going over there later so I couldn't back out. I made it through my work day, and thought I might just get physically ill on the way over to her house. But you know what? It wasn't bad. She gave me a hug, thanked me profusely for bringing her mom's cake platter (she had forgotten that she gave it to me) and asked how my family/job/etc. was. I glossed over things (family's great, job's great, etc. is great) and we made small talk, both avoiding bringing up Redneck. She wished me well and we said good bye. It was the most calm and exhausted I have felt all week. And I know it's been 2 months, but I finally feel like I'm finding a bit of closure. A little ironic that it happened this week...Redneck and I were supposed to be getting married on Saturday. Two great friends agreed to join me that night for a "no one is getting married" celebration, but I've still been feeling apprehensive about it. Today helped to settle that feeling a bit. So I'll keep going. I will help mom bring our family friend to the hospital tomorrow to visit dad, I will go to work, find a new daycare for Dog, snuggle with Cat, help Portland move in with me, go out Saturday night, and celebrate.

Happy

Ok...so drunken panko coconut chicken was fabulous (few minor tweaks, needs salt), coconut rice recipe was awful--the liquid to rice ration was totally off so it ended up as more of a coconut rice mush. Flavor was all right, again though, some adjustments needed. Aside from that, here is a little bit of happy.

Therapy.

Not sure what the attraction is, but I love making desserts in my mini muffin tins. Maybe it's because I feel justified in eating more than one because they're so small. Previously, my forays into mini desserts have been limited to mini cheesecakes...

Lemon blueberry cheesecakes

However, after my last failed attempt at mini coffee cakes, I have made some adjustments and am insanely pleased with the results...

mini coffee cakes with chocolate pecan streusel topping

So I'm bringing about 3 dozen to work, gave some to my parents, have a plate of them to bring to the neighbors, and still have almost a dozen for me! Yay for baking!

Probably I need this week to be all done and stuff.

Today was not so much good for my sanity or morale. Getting the 3rd degree from a client's grandpa kinda topped the whole thing off. Seirously. wtf. My consolation brownies didn't turn out so hot either....kinda ran out of flour and forgot to get more....oops. Although, after eating an entire frozen pizza, brownies were likely not to be the best for a happy tummy, so I guess it worked out allright (plus, I'm refrigerating the creamed sugar and finishing the brownies tomorrow). I'm ready for this week to be ALL DONE.

practicing my happy dance

So I have jury duty coming up. I was totally excited about it (sorta being paid to totally not be at work? um, yes!)...till I found out the dates. Turns out I have jury duty on the same day that Redneck is being sentenced (yeah...I picked a winner). When I went to the court house to ask if this was a conflict of interest the woman's over-tweezed eyebrows almost shot off her forehead and she asked if I was serious. I considered telling her that no, I was just bored today and this seemed like a good way to spend my time, but decided that a simple 'yes' might be a smidge more professional. She told me that on my first day to let the people know and they would decide if I should be there or not. Personally, I do not think I should be in the same building as Redneck....I'm typically a semi-rational, calm-ish person (or at least I like to think so), but I might just burst out into song and dance if I see them leading him off in handcuffs...not that I've been practicing the song, just the dance.

Anywho (does anyone say that anymore??), I made the panko-walnut crusted chicken tonight....good concept, bad recipe. It called for the chicken to be baked....turned out terribly dry. Good flavor, but dry. I think I will go the pan-fried route next time. I am, however, now a huge fan of panko. How did I not know of its existence?? Oh well, I have found it now and am in love.

Chicken or steak?

I love to cook. And bake. And guess what? It's here! It's finally here! My shiny new Kitchen Aid stand mixer is sitting happily on my kitchen counter! It's first duty was to make mini coffee cakes to take to work, and I must say that it accomplished this admirably. Unfortunately, I over-filled the mini-muffin tins and now can't get them out without destroying them. Oh well, I suppose I will just have to scoop them into a tupperware and get rid of them some other way that does not require much in the presentation department (any volunteers?). And while these taste great, there are a few more tweaks I want to make to the recipe (I already changed the streusel topping to one that is much more moist), so I guess it all worked out.

I have really enjoying cooking dinner for myself over the last week. I mean, I have always loved cooking--the planning of it not so much, but the actual cooking part I find extremely relaxing. And now that I'm cooking for just me, it's gotten even better. Redneck ate for the simple fact that he had to to survive, enjoying a meal, but never really appreciated the flavors of a meal. I got frustrated with this and worked myself into a rut. There were only so many things that we both liked. Chicken is one of my favorite things ever and he does not like it (see "Who does that?!" from previous post). But, then again, I'm a pretty darn picky eater, especially when it comes to vegetables...as in, I generally don't eat them.

So anyway, this past week has been fantastic for cooking....capellini noodles with meat sauce and homemade garlic bread, beef stir-fry cooked in butter with rice, a fabulous cheeseburger, soprasata with french bread and grapes, and tonight, steak alfredo with tortellini and garlic bread. In the last week I have rediscovered how much I love to enjoy food....eating slowly, enjoying the rich buttery flavor of the stir-fry, the little kick of the oregano in the meat sauce, the sweet woodsy flavor of the soprasata, and the hint of rosemary in the alfredo. Tomorrow is up for debate at the moment....I'm torn between trying out a new recipe for breaded chicken with walnuts or pan-frying a flat iron steak with home-grown garlic mashed potatos. These are the tough decisions in life.

Left behind....

In the past week, Dog has discovered many buried treasures in my backyard. I don't view them as such, to me they are simply icky, but I can respect that he is a dog and is not grossed out by old dirty socks the way I am. This morning I was enjoying breakfast on the deck when Dog came loping out from the side of the house proudly carrying his latest find. After a few minutes I went down to play with him and try to identify what exactly he found. Turns out he found a diaper. An old, used, disgusing, rolled-up diaper. In my yard. Ew. As I'm carrying it to the garbage sandwiched between two pieces of somewhat less icky garbage to avoid touching it (still disgusted by the fact that I had to touch it to get it out of his mouth), I am cursing aloud the crazy people who owned this house before me and wondering who does that?! I mean, who throws a used diaper into the backyard?!

I've found myself asking that question a lot lately (the 'who does that?' one, not the one about the diaper), primarily about the people who lived here and about Redneck. When Redneck and I first moved in to this place back in May we found various drugs and related items (these people had a 1-year old son and the wife was 8 months pregnant). But it goes beyond that to little things i'm finding that have been done half-assed, as my dad would say. Everything from nailing broken kitchen drawers shut, to a hole punched in the wall of the nursery, to silicone being used to seal absolutely everything. At first, Redneck and I were both asking "who does that?" about these people (seemed reasonable, given the amount of bizzare stuff they did to this place). Then, when I ended it with Redneck, I found myself asking it about him. Who puts some one else through that much crap? I sorted out all his belongings and put them in the garage, and changed the lock on the house. In return, he used the closet door I was storing in the garage as a ramp to get his motorcycle into his truck, punched holes on the inside of the closet door, and (my personal favorite of WTF moments) unscrewed and took all the lightbulbs from the garage. WHO DOES THAT?!?!?

So I guess my point in all of this isn't just "who does that", but who sticks around and lets it happen? I'm really not being all depressed and whatnot, just wondering how I let myself get so sucked in that I put up with all of it for 2+ years. I am slowly putting my life back together, with the help of great friends and family (and Cat and Dog). I decided this morning, while disposing of the utterly ucky diaper, that I was going to try to be more like the people who lived here before, metaphorically only, and attempt to leave the crap behind...literally in their case, figuratively in mine.

So I was pretty nervous about this whole living alone thing, but I've discovered a few perks in the last few days...
1. I get the entire bed (minus the corner that Cat takes)
2. I get all the storage space in the bathroom
3. Ok....I get all the space in general
4. If I want to have Doritos for dinner at 11 pm no one is going to complain
5. I get to lick the brownie batter bowl without having to share. In fact, I get to eat all the brownies without having to share...which means they could last longer! (but probably won't)

I'm sure I could come up with a few more, but the brownie one makes me pretty happy at the moment, so I'll end it with that.

Spending my first night back in my own house after kicking Redneck out six weeks ago. I suppose I'm blogging to establish some sort of routine in my relatively newly-single life....or something. Also, while Cat and Dog are great company in many ways, it's not very encouraging when they doze off in the middle of an admittedly one-sided conversation. So here goes....

I really don't feel like writing out some long, detailed history so here's the short version: Met Redneck, started dating. Moved in together, changed jobs, Redneck got laid off, found a job, got laid off, was re-hired, we got Cat, he got laid off and re-hired, we got engaged, he got laid off (you get the pattern here, right?), etc. I bought a house, called off the wedding, visited an amazing friend, kicked Redneck out, moved back in with parents, got Dog, stayed longer with parents, re-pained my house, bought a fridge, visited sister, moved back into house with Cat and Dog. Started blog.

So now that everyone (whoever "everyone" might be) is caught up, I guess it's time to get off the computer and get used to being in my house again. Wish me luck.